In the broad range of the Family—which here means grandparents to grandchildren, aunts and uncles to nieces and nephews—one figure stands out as a nuisance to be dealt with immediately before his status matures from temporary to permanent. That is, the bachelor uncle. The man is more of a domesticated rogue whose pleasure is, unintentionally of course, the Family’s displeasure. It is he who, by right of his office, causes more crises than any other figure within the familial structure.
The Bachelor Uncle, or the B. U., if he is educated correctly in his position within the Family configuration, knows that he has not other mission except innocent mischief. It is he who must rile—or “stir the pot” as some say—the nieces and nephews to such a degree of excitement that nothing short of being sent to a corner or to bed would calm the imps down. He will suggest that one niece will clobber a nephew with a stick or that a nephew will stealthily plunder the cookie jar while the mothers have turned, as a unit, their backs for a second to check on the turkey or to converse about the best way to mash potatoes or to make a twenty dollar bill stretch a mile and a half. The B. U. is the stalwart symbol of chaos and distress.
When the Bachelor Uncle is gone, everyone loves him and recalls fondly, and perhaps with a tear in the eye, the various impish exploits he has performed. But let that change. Let him approach within shouting distance, and so does the attitude of the Family. If word reaches the members of the Family that the B. U. will make the get-together, parents gather their children to issue warnings and threats. “Remember what happened the last time you wrestled with Uncle Patrick,” one will say. “You turned your cheeks into something short of Niagara Falls.” Or another will say, “Now Johnny, don’t come crying to me if you get hurt playing with Uncle Patrick.” Inevitably, the nieces and nephews will forget the parental warnings, and the unavoidable will happen.
The B. U., regardless of what happens, is expected to be good humored. The Family expects him to saunter about with a happy-go-lucky expression to everything he does because he, as the others are not, unmarried. He has, as far as the Family is concerned and steadfastly believes, no cares, no concerns, and no responsibilities. And so the B. U., demonstrating this attitude, will meander about the reunions and gatherings, leaving havoc and desolation in his wake while he continues lolly-gagging here or there, whistling a tune or two, and cheerily tossing a niece here or a nephew there.
Furthermore, because he is a bachelor, the B. U. must keep a healthy appetite. He will be the fellow to sit down to the Family meal with a knife in one hand and a fork in the other and a napkin dangling from between his throat and shirt collar. Without hesitation, after the prayers have been said, he should jocularly thrust his fork into whichever victuals have been planted before. Moreover, seemingly without bothering with those about him, he ought to start cramming that “stuff” down his throat. It may sound rude and callous, but it is expected of him. And why? Because he has no children of his own. The common philosophy of the Family will be those with children are more responsible. Regardless of whether the B. U. believes that, it is his job not to disturb the certainty the Family has in this principle.
It is, however, often in the Family’s best interest and for their tranquility among the relations to eliminate the B. U. This is not an simple task since murder is, for the most part, out of the question. And while feuds do provide local entertainment, it is also rather costly. But the method often employed, which is quite effective as all of his motives for being a B. U. with this method end in a single moment, is complicated and often time-consuming. The most sanitary and diplomatic means of eradicating the B. U. is finding him a wife. But, as I said, that is hardly the easiest route to take.
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